You KNOW you’re a “Pattern Person” if:  

• you spend $300 to save .5 ounce on a $700 airframe
• the part you’re needing doesn’t have a ball bearing, thereby rendering it useless
• you have NO servos that are not coreless
• you are concerned that you don’t have “all Digitals” yet…
• to be useable, a transmitter MUST allow you “one beep” trim resolution, such that you cannot SEE the surface move, but you “know” it did
• you believe you can feel a change in flight due to “humidity”
• you truly believe, deep down, that there IS a “neutral airplane” out there someplace
• pit-bragging becomes a contest of how little “pitch mix” you have…the guy with only 2% is looked at as either a “god” or a “liar”
• a fitting to hold a fuel lines together costs $15; instead of a 5 cent piece of brass tubing
• you spend hours at a computer typing emails to find out “the best way to hide your receiver antenna”, missing the best flying day in the week
• the words “motor mount” conjures up images of technological marvels that cannot be made in a typical workshop, requiring CNC lathes and fixtures
• “balsa” means weighing every piece of 1/16” sheeting to find the ones one gram lighter, then buying every piece, fearful of “heavier stuff”
• there are two scales in your home; the typical bathroom scale, price $10, and the electronic, calibrated, digital-gram platform scale, with .1 gram resolution, that you paid $55 for
• you create a machined aluminum brace for a servo; took five hours to make, (and was WORTH it!!) because the plywood you could have used was “just too heavy”…
• a half turn of a clevis puts your entire airframe “out of trim”, so you pack up and go home
• you weigh Monokote by color to decide on your next covering job
• CA is not the abbreviation for California
• bolts that hold on the belly pan are discarded in favor of  aluminum versions, which cost ten times the steel…
• a ten-cent clevis has to be replaced with a $15 double-ball bearing one
• “alignment” means using a $150 laser device, on a table with $100 worth of height gages to setup a plane.
• a hinge is a topic of heated debate
• you strive for HOURS to get an airplane setup in your transmitter so that NO mixes, NO electronic offsets, NO subtrims, NO dual rates are needed….then complain about the cost of the “fancy transmitters”
• the “noisy” airplanes at the field are distastefully tolerated.  After all, .40 size trainers aren’t real model airplanes, are they?
• your primary vehicle is purchased based on two criteria; “Will the plane fit?” And “Can it carry my EZ Up?”
• a “perfect” day at the flying field has no one else around while you put in your five flights
• you and your buddies can debate for hours on whether a circle is round
• during normal conversation, you hear the word “box”, your mind immediately flashes to your last flight
• you watch other airplanes flying, and find yourself saying things like “he missed his exit”, or “little tight on that radius”, or “wings weren’t level” – and the plane you’re watching is Gomer’s ARF trainer!!
• your "fun flying" consists of only some of the maneuvers from your sequence, and you still fly level entries and exits
• you’ll drive 600 miles one way, take off two vacation days, spend $200 in a motel, sit in the sun for hours on a weekend, to fly MAYBE a total of about 50 minutes, (but only if the weather holds out).
• you have at LEAST 4 different grades of fuel, supposedly to "adjust for temperature".
• more exotic, difficult to obtain, hard to use, and expensive building materials become "essential"
• there are more varieties of specialized oils for your airplanes than you autos
• you have a greater variety of cleaners for your airplanes than your spouse has for the house
• you spend as much for a pair of "pattern wheels" as you spend on the "spare" for the family auto
• you buy at least ONE spare part of EVERY critical component to take to contests, fill TWO large tool boxes, then announce with great pride at the end of the contest "I didn't have to get the toolbox out of the van once!!!" 
• you have not one, but TWO expensive transmitter cases which cost more than your travel luggage for your trip to Europe
• during the contest, you carefully stand with your back to flight line while you're waiting, trying to convince everyone else that you really AREN'T looking at the other fliers' flights
• you tell everyone who will listen that "the scores don't matter", then you sneak up to the scoreboard to check it out, hoping no one notices
• the friendly cheer "Move UP!!!" brings a tear to your eye
• you have at LEAST one pair of "special" sunglasses for EVERY conceivable "sky condition".  It does NOT matter if each pair must be expensive prescriptions...
• coworkers observe (during the summer) that you grow "racoon eyes"...and know better than to ask "Why?"
• there's "special" software on your PC to let you create color schemes
• you have a special, custom ball or screwdriver for each airplane/engine combo you own
• a bad practice day is one when you bring the wrong custom screwdriver
• a REALLY bad practice day is the one when you brought the wrong transmitter (or left it home altogether)
• at least once, every winter, you try to find a "pattern plane" for your simulator
• "wings level" is no longer a Goal, but a Lifestyle
•  you have more extra props in your van for more kinds of engines/
  conditions than the rest of the members of your club - combined.
• you won't fly your plane if there are more than 1 or 2 sport flyers in the
  air.
• your planes live in the car all summer, and only come in the house for
  repair
• you never see your neighbors during the entire period of Daylight Savings
  Time because your daily routine is "wake up- work - fly- home after dark -
  sleep" - from Rick Wallace (good ones, Rick!) 
• (you have) the ability to preach for endless hours on the relative merits of a particular engine type, brand, or model like a zealot who has just witnessed the second coming. - from Gene Maurice, Plano, TX
• the new class for entry level pilots is called High Impact Aerobatics. - from Rob Campbell, 3/7/04
• 1) You exit the bathroom and mentally give yourself a "10". 
  2) You have more than a dozen "F" plugs in your tool box. 
  3) You send your micro digital scale out for recalibration every year. 
  4) Your willing to CD so you can see the scores before everyone else.

  from Dave Reaville, 3/7/04

   

© Bob Pastorello, 3/2004

• You're actually disappointed in a perfectly clear, calm day as you won't get that desperately needed "crosswind practice"
• Having two of exactly the same plane doesn't strike you as the least bit odd - courtesy Corine Powell, spouse of Wayne Powell
• You come out of the workshop into the house and she says, quizzically "Who are you?"- courtesy Kelly Reaville, spouse of Dave Reaville

 "Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid". That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me ...oops ... never mind, didn't see your sign." 

It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My neighbor comes over and says, "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign." 

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big ol' stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope. Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign." 

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. "Alright, Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you." "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it." 

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist. I said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign." 

We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, "Darn that's hot!" See, if he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him. 

I learned to drive an 18-wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't you know, I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out, no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning ...okay...no problem. I thought for sure he was clear of needing a sign...until he asked, "So, is your truck stuck?" I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said, "No, I'm delivering a bridge... here's your sign." 

I stayed late at work one night and a co-worker looked at me and said, "Are you still here?" I replied, "No. I left about 10 minutes ago. Here's your sign." Anybody you know need a sign today? Send this to all your friends. The next time someone says something stupid ask them where their sign is.

Forwarded from my boss...and worthy of sending around the world.  Think of how many times you've stuck yourself with your Exacto knife (or drilled finger/hand/leg, then had your spouse ask "You cut yourself??")  or worse yet, you're at the flying field - motor won't start no matter what.  Cowl is off, screws laying around, parts piling up while you're cursing and scratching your head, and one of your buddies walks up and asks "Havin' motor troubles??"....there are LOTS of examples, that's why I KNEW this had to be available to the modeling world....ENJOY!!!

Do you keep falling asleep in meetings and seminars? What about workshops and conference calls? Here's a way to change all of that:

1. Before (or during) your next meeting, seminar, or conference call, prepare yourself by drawing a square on a card. One about 5" x 5" is a good size. Divide the card into columns`-- five across and five down. That will give you 25 one-inch "blocks."

2. Write the following 25 words/phrases in the blocks:
Synergy
Strategic fit
Core competencies
Best practice
Bottom line
Revisit
Take that off-line
7/24
Out of the loop
MBF
Benchmark
Value-added
Proactive
Win-win
Think outside the box
Fast track
Result-driven
Empower(ment)
Knowledge base
Moving forward
Touch base
Mindset
Client focus(ed)
Paradigm
Game plan
Leverage

3. Check off the appropriate block when you hear that word or phrase.

4. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally, stand up and shout "BULLSHIT!"

Testimonials from satisfied "BullShit Bingo" players:
 
I had been in the meeting for only five minutes when I won." Jack W.,Boston

"My attention span at meetings has improved dramatically." David ,Florida

"What a gas! Meetings will never be the same for me after my first win."
Bill R., New York City

"The atmosphere was tense in the last process meeting as 14 of us waited for our fifth box." Ben G., Denver

"The speaker was stunned when eight of us screamed 'BULLSHIT!' for the third time in two hours." Kathleen L., Atlanta

FUN PICTURES

Some amazing photos of "job conditions" that may make you reconsider how good yours is the next time you feel a complaint coming on....amazing....

YOU KNOW YOU'RE A REDNECK WHEN ...2002 EDITION

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
3. Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.
4. Your boat has not left the yard in 15 years.
5. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
6. You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.
7. The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
8. Your entire family sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.
9. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
10. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
11. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
12. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
13. Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list.
14. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
15. You've bathed with flea and tick soap.
16. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
17. Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.
18. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
19. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
20. You have a rag for a gas cap.
21. Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
22. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
23. You can spit without opening your mouth.
24. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
25. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
26. You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota.
27. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.
28. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
29. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
30. You thought the Unabomber was a wrestler.
31. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
32. You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.
33. Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home.
34.A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of improvement.
35. You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.
36. You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.
37. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.

Top Ten Reasons Model Airplanes are BETTER than Women


10. If you do not like a model airplane, you can probably make money selling it.
9. You and your friends can swap airplanes and NOT get into trouble with the Law.
8. Model Airplane expenses are mostly BEFORE you play with them.
7. If a model airplane does something STUPID (like crashing), you can strip it and burn it.
6. There is always a Bigger and Better Model Airplane on the horizon.
5. YOUR model airplane will not ask if it is prettier than the OTHER guys' Model Airplanes.
4. Model Aiplanes may gain weight, but they NEVER develop anxiety neurosis over it.
3. Model Airplanes do not care WHICH Day of the Month it is. They are ALWAYS ready to go.
2. Model Airplanes cannot drive to the Mall and run up Credit Card bills; they sit quietly at home awaiting your attention.

AND the #1 Reason Model Airplanes are BETTER than WOMEN. . .

1. A Model Airplane will NEVER get Jealous and perform Badly if you play with or have OTHER models.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.

"Outside of a dog, a book is mans best friend... Inside of a dog, it's too hard to read. " - Groucho Marx

To a pessimist the glass is half-empty,
To an optimist it is half-full,
To an engineer it is TWICE as large as it needs to be!

I'm not a pessimist; I'm an optimist with experience!

Knock on Death's door ... ring the bell and run. He hates that!

Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.

Model airplanes tremble at the sound of my name

Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function.

I'm not a comlete idiot, some parts are missing.

Happiness is like peeing in you pants, everyone can see it, but you are the only one who can feel the warmth inside.

Your gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

Warning: Dates on calendar are closer than they appear.

 " Many work hard but few become a success. What extra makes those ordinary into extraordinary? The application of a simple thing, namely common sense."

You're just jealous that the voices don't talk to you.

" Only the Universe and human stupidity are infinite, and I'm not too sure about the Universe "
Albert Einstein

"I installed a skylight in my apartment...The people who live above me are furious."

And anyway, doesn't PETA stand for "People Eating Tasty Animals"???

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way if they get mad, they're a mile away and barefoot!

Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a pool.

"If you teach me, I will learn, if you include me. I will understand"

The 2 most abundant resources on earth are air and stupidity.

"Sometimes I just sits, and sometimes I just thinks, and sometimes I just sits and thinks." -popeye-

Accepting change is one thing; being mowed down by it is another.

I have my own little world, But it's OK..... They know me there!

A fool and his money are soon flying more airplane than he can handle.

Insanity is my only means of relaxation.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it

How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg.
--Abraham Lincoln

"If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving is not for you..."

"The earth is very patient"

"I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather.
Not screaming in terror like his passengers"

"The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."

There are no stupid questions but there are lots of inquisitive idiots.

That which does not kill me only postpones the inevitable

In the battle between you and the Earth, bet on the Earth.

If you can't do something right, learn to enjoy doing it poorly.

Every dark cloud has a silver lining, And lightning kills hundreds of people each year who are looking for it.

If the only tool you have is a hammer then all your problems tend to look like nails.

The glass isn't half full or empty; it's twice as big as it needs to be.

If an explosion goes "BANG", does an implosion go "GNAB"?

You have a right to an opinion. That opinion can and will be used against you in a court of law. If you cannot afford an opinion, one will be appointed to you...

If it has wheels or a skirt u can't afford it!

There is nothing so absurd that some philosopher hasn't already said it.

"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either."
Dick Cavett.

The only time an aircraft has too much fuel on board is when it's on fire.
- Sir Charles Kingsford Smith, sometime before his death in the 1920's

Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day.
- Layton A. Bennett

I hope you either take up parachute jumping or stay out of single motored airplanes at night.
- Charles A. Lindbergh, to Wiley Post, 1931

Never fly the 'A' model of anything.
- Ed Thompson

Never fly anything that doesn't have the paint worn off the rudder pedals.
- Harry Bill

Keep thy airspeed up, less the earth come from below and smite thee.
- William Kershner

When a prang seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity, as slowly and gently as possible.
- advice given to RAF pilots during W.W.II.

Always keep an 'out' in your hip pocket.
- Bevo Howard

The Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.
- attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot

A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum.
- Jon McBride, astronaut

If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible.
- Bob Hoover

It occurred to me that if I did not handle the crash correctly, there would be no survivors.
- Richard Leakey, after engine failure in a single engine aircraft, Nairobi, Africa, 1993.

If an airplane is still in one piece, don't cheat on it. Ride the thing down.
- Ernest K. Gann, advice from the 'old pelican'

Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death I Shall Fear No Evil For I am at 80,000 feet and Climbing.
- sign over the entrance to the SR-71 operating location on Kadena AB, Okinawa

You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.
- Paul F. Crickmore

It's better to break ground and head into the wind than to break wind and head into the ground.

"Don't take life too serious. It ain't no way permanent."

Dreamed I was a muffler. Woke up exhausted.

He who dies with the most toys is, none the less, still dead.

It's suppose to do that right? RIGHT?!?!?!?! Oh Gawd!!

If the truth is out there, why are we in here?

The only way of discovering the limits of the possible is to venture a little past them into the impossible.

If you really want to mess with the cashier at McDonald's.... ask them if you can pay with a "Federal Reserve Note"

Remember, ignorance can be overcome but stupidity lasts a lifetime.

"I believe you've overestimated my curiosity."

"The day you stop learning is the first day that you're dead."

One can be dead in mind but not necessarily dead in the physical sense. (please refer to 1/2 of the population)

one swallow does not a summer make, nor does the lack of a few swallows mean that there will not be more summers.

Blessed are the flexible; For they shall never be bent out of shape.

Do not violate the rules; they are the products of previous tragedies

Laughing is good exercise......It's like jogging on the inside.

As complexity approaches infinity, mean time before failure approaches zero...

It looks a lot more like it does now than it did when I first started!

Heart Attacks...God's revenge for eating His animal friends.

Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks you are an ass.

Impotence...Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings,"

The proctologist called...  they found your head.

Everyone has a photographic memory...  some just don't have any film.

I used to have a handle on life...but it broke off.

If you can read this...I can slam on my brakes and sue you.

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

Try not to let your mind wander...It is too small and fragile to be out by itself.

Welcome to America...  now speak English.

 "if a job is worth doing, it would already have been done"

 "good judgment comes from experience and experience comes from bad judgment" 

 You never really learn to swear until your engine quits right after take off.

 The three best things in life are; a good orgasm, a good bowel movement and a good landing. Landing on a aircraft carrier at night is the only way to experience all three at once.

     Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane
     Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and
     said,  "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I
     thought I was, but mother says I'm not."

     10. A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"  Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."

     The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,  "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"


     11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.  She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake.

     The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie." She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."

--- HIS DIARY --- Made the worst landing of my life today, but at least I got laid.